I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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