I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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