i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
