You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
