It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
