Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
