Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
