Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
