i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
