my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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