someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
