We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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