he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
