If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I will pee on everything he values.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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