o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
