I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
