Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
