about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
