I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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