I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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