The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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