How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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