I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Randomize
