You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
