Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
