my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
