Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
