glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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