Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
