i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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