Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
