my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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