Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
