So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
