Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
