We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
