I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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