Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
