I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
