The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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