I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
