Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
