I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
