They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
