I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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