Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
