The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
