Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
