did you get engaged???
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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