there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
They took my balls.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
